Identity Crisis

I feel like I am having an identity crisis. Well, maybe not quite what you would classify an identity crisis. Anyway it feels that way to me. I feel like I'm two different people when I'm in certain situations.

You see, when I'm single, I go out with my friends and try to meet new people. I love to dance. I love to listen to bands. I love to have fun. I love to be busy. I go to as many classes at the gym as possible (without killing myself). I love to get out. And I think what a great life this is. I don't want to give up that part of my life.

When I'm dating or in a serious relationship, I start to give up those things that are important to me. Those things that make me. Why? Because I want to be available. I want to spend time with the person. I feel like I become a dull person. I stay in more. And well I like to stay in sometimes, I'm a girl who likes to get out of the house, no matter what I do.

But then I start the get unhappy. I start to resent the person especially if they are trying to control who I am.

And every time I get out of the relationship and become single again, I find myself again. This year especially, I have decided to try and live it up. I'm starting to do things on my bucket list.

And now here comes the crisis...can you have both? I mean, that single life yet be in a relationship? I guess I want someone where we can do things together and also have our own separate life. I know there is a give and take in relationships and females seem to do more of the giving. I keep thinking, all I've ever wanted was to find someone to share a life with, get married and have children. But then I keep thinking, do I want this? Maybe I'm thinking this because I haven't found the right one. I don't know. I guess only time will tell and I give everything to God.

My Bucket List.

So what's a bucket list? You know, those things you'd like to do before you kick the bucket or should I just say die. Yeah, no one likes to think about it. But it's going to happen. To all of us. I hate thinking about it but I know someday, I will be in heaven and see all my loved ones that have gone before me.

We all have a certain number of days on this Earth. Why not live it to the best of our ability. Make each day count and never have regret. I'm not talking about living foolishly, because well, that's not using wisdom. But I'm talking about making those feel loved. Doing the things you've always wanted to do. Becoming the person you want to be. Following those dreams until they come true.

So I want to share all my dreams...the things on my bucket list. Some are big and some are small. I have hope some will come true.

Travel to Hawaii (Maui to be exact)
Travel to the land down under...Australia
Skydive
Take a hot air balloon ride
Travel to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska. (I want to see all those beautiful animals.)
Travel to the Grand Canyon
See Falling Water (yeah can you believe it, I've never been there and it's close by.)
See a show on Broadway in NYC
Go to a shooting range and learn to shoot some guns (I'm actually doing that soon).
Learn to shoot a bow and arrow. I think it would be fun to go hunting some day.
Run a 5k (run all of it)
Become a certified zumba instructor (that's new within the last year)
Have some type of small catering side business (cause I love to cook but don't want to do it full time and I hate to toot my own horn but I'm a pretty good cook.)
Go to a Pittsburgh Steeler game at least once. (I will keep going to see the Penguins and Pirates. :) )
Learn to ballroom dance or swing dance or both.
Learn to take better pictures and start taking more pictures. (I need to keep my camera with me at all times.)
There are also many other places I'd like to travel too, I just can't list them all. I have a book with all of them in it.

So, do you have a bucket list? If you've never thought about it, have I made you think what you would like to do before you leave this Earth?

A Purpose.

It's a new day. A day for reflection. A day for change. A day to pick yourself up off the ground, dust off and, well, try again. Isn't that part of life?  Growing and becoming a better version of yourself...  because better is possible.

I didn't say perfect. No one can be perfect.

But we should try to be the person God has called us to be. Boy, do I make a lot of mistakes! There are times I want to be angry with God and when I'm angry with God, I tend to hurt those around me. I know God has me on this Earth for a purpose. I have learned a lot about myself over the last few years. I have come to know that I love with an open heart. I love those in my life with all my heart, no matter how much it may hurt. It has been a true test of my faith. It has been a true test of how strong I am (because in those moments of hurt, I feel so weak). My friend, Ralph, told me once, "Hearts don't break, they bend." Yes I agree and sometimes they are never the same. But I do believe they break and only God's grace and love can put them back together again. Make us whole. Maybe it's not others that break our hearts. Maybe it's us that break our own hearts.

Sure we should guard our hearts, but I can't. It's not who I am. My friend, Laura, said to me the other day, "I met you 3 years ago at your book club Christmas party as a guest and you welcomed me into your home with an open heart and it has been a friendship that didn't need time to grow."

Isn't it true...Home is where your heart is? I want everyone to feel like they are at home when they are around me, no matter what setting we are in...a restaurant, outside at a park, at my house, etc. Home is a safe haven, where you can be you and share all your secrets.

If you've read this post, please take a moment to listen to one of my favorite songs. I think of all of those who I love when I hear this song. It's called "Home" by Phillip Phillips. (I just love the folk-like sound it has too. )

"Hold on to me as we go, as we roll down this unfamilar road....just know your not alone, cause I'm gonna make this place your home."

http://youtu.be/OTg1n95--KE

Thinking...

I'm thinking about sugar right now. I haven't had a lick of it in 5 days. This includes food that has added sugars or ingredients that are sugars like "high fructose corn syrup". I've had natural sugar in the fruits I'm eating but that's it. Life seems a little boring without the sugar, you know. I miss that high you get of eating yummy, tasting food. Oh I love food, especially junk food. I will allow myself some at the end of the month. After all, I bought Girl Scout Cookies.

Why am I not eating sugar right now...a few reasons. One, I have a sinus infection and have not been feeling well (that's why I haven't been blogging for a couple weeks). The infection, I believe has been making me dizzy/lightheaded as I had some swelling in my ear. Anyway, I've read that bacteria feed off of sugar. Even though I'm on an antibiotic, I want to get over this thing faster. It's not fun being all lightheaded and feel like you are going to fall over. I've been getting alot of sinus infections lately, so I know that this is something I really need to control.

Second, it's not good on your cholesterol numbers. When you get a cholesterol check, they check 4 numbers. It affects what's called your triglycerides. Anything white (bread, potatoes, rice, sugar) causes to have a high number. It's a kind of fat in your blood that your body uses for energy. You need some but too much is not good for you. I think about it this way... Runners eat pasta usually on a day or day before they run. It gives them energy. They are going to burn it up. If someone who eats pasta but doesn't burn up those carbs (simple carbs), that type of simple carb (sugar basically) turns to fat if it's not burned by exercising. I've had high triglycerides off and on for a while.  It is highly affected by your diet and exercise. So I want to take as much precaution as I can. I'm hoping that when I get my cholesterol checked again, I'll be better then what I was.

Third, sugar can affect your moods. I've noticed that when I have too much, I get moody...more so then I usually am :)  I do take other supplements for moods...Magnesium, Folic Acid and Vit. D I do swear by. It takes a week or so to kick in but I notice a big difference. Oh and I used to go to the tanning bed, especially this time of year. I felt like I was outside in the sun! I don't go anymore...too much money.

I know there are other health benefits to not eating sugar or that much but those are the basic reasons why. I'm not going to completely shut off sugar from my life but I do think I can control it. It is about will power...but isn't having a healthier life style all about that. It sucks some days! I've cut out some other foods out of my diet and boy do I whine and cry when I know I can't have it. I hate it! But I know how it makes me feel when I do stay away from it, so that keeps me going.

 The diet book, Eat Right For Your Type talks about how different blood types should stay away from certain foods. As an "O" blood type, I should stay away from carbs. Hmm...why is it that we crave our poison? Because I'm craving a big chocolate chip cookie right now.

It's been 4 years...

It's been 4 years ago this month that I started on a healthier lifestyle and weighloss goal and have pretty much maintained that since. I've always been a chubby girl but right after high school about at the age of 21, I lost 25-30 lbs and was the smallest I ever was in my adult life. I was a size medium in clothing. I loved it. I had stopped eating red meat and ate a lot of cottage cheese and baked potatoes. I also had a video tape for step aerobics and a stepper (wish I still had them) and I walk about everyday.

It didn't last long...it probably took me 4 or 5 months to start gain the weight back and then a few more lbs. I got a night shift job at that time which killed my eating and sleeping habits. About 1 year later I moved from my home town to go to college at the age of 22.

I gained that freshmen 15. Well it was more like 10. After my first sememter at college, I became more active and lost 20 lbs. I kept that weight off the rest of the 4.5 years I went to college due to the fact I had free access to the school's gym and I was on my feet all the time for my job in the evenings on weekends. Retail will do that to you. I was pretty happy with my size then and I felt pretty healthy.

After college, the weight kept creaping up. I blame finally landing that desk job. I gained that 20 or so back about a 1 year after college. Eventually sometime in 2006-2007 (3-4 years after college) I became the heaviest I ever was and packed on another 40 lbs. I didn't really see it that much in the mirror. We look at ourselves everyday and can miss what it happening to your body. Or maybe I was in denial. I heard people say that I had gained weight. But I didn't see it until I saw some pictures of me. I was also starting to get winded while walking or when I would sit down it was hard for me to breath sometimes. I thought, this isn't good.

So in January 2008, my resolution was to give up my cable tv and join the gym (as I couldn't afford both at the time) and get healthy and loose weight. I've been a member at the gym ever since and have kept off 35lbs for 4 years. I can work out for 1.5-2 hours no problem at the gym and before I could only do 20 minutes.  I have my cable tv back though and at one point that last couple years I've become more of a tv junkie but I'm trying to get back into my habits I had in 2008. I exercised 5-6 days a week. I was up to a 50 lbs weightloss but I gained 15 back the last couple of year but have maintained the rest of the weightloss. I will say the last 2 months I have noticed inches coming off my body as I've incorporated more strength training. My clothes are fitting better and I think I'm looking better in the mirror.

This will always be a struggle for me. I hope the new ways I'm eating too (no meat on mondays and less sugar and flour) will also help me get more fit.

Soup's on...Turkey and Kale

I love Giada from the Food Network. There are so many amazing recipes that I want to try from her show. Well, here is one of them.

Turkey and Kale Soup

 First you start off with 2 carrots, 1 red bell pepper and 1 medium onion, chopped in small chunks. Cook them in some olive oil for about 5 minutes then add 1 lb. of ground turkey breast. I used ground turkey as that's what I had in the house.

 Cook that about 15-20 minutes. Add 1 15 oz can of diced tomatoes. (I like the petite diced.) I think the cans are only 14.5 oz now...they used to be 15oz. Also add 1 cup cooked brown rice. I used cooked instant brown as that's what I had in the house.

 The recipe calls for 4 cups of chicken broth at this point. I didn't have any so I have to improvise...I had some chicken soup base in the house so I added 4 cups of water and then added 2 tsp. of the chicken base. It worked. I actually added a bit more liquid as it didn't seem like enough. I had to adjust the seasoning too. Add 2 Tablespoons of herb de provance. It's a herb mixture that can be found in most grocery stores in the spice/herb isle. It is a mixture of rosemary, thyme, basil, oregano, sage, margarium and something else. I didn't want to buy the herb mix as I had most of these spice already so I again improvised. I seasoned to the soup to my taste. Chop 1 bunch of kale (be sure to take leaves of the stems...you do not want to eat them as they are woody). Add to soup and salt and pepper to taste. Bring to boil then simmer for 45 min or until kale is tender.

MMM...GOOD

Something New, Part 2

I've decided that in order to get myself into better shape, I better step up with how much I exercise. I want to be able to run a 5k someday and I need to lose more weight to make running easier on my body. Right now, it can't handle alot. I decided to start working out on the mornings I work from home which is two days a week. I take classes/workout on exercise equiptment at my gym 2 nights a week for 1-2 hours and on Saturday mornings for 1-2 hours. I decided that for the evenings I don't make it to the gym which is usually the other 4 days, two of the evenings or maybe on a Sunday morning before chuch, I'm going to do my Yoga Video. Tonight was my first yoga "class".

 I love my purple yoga mat. I've had this video for over a year or so and have not touched it much so I'm not that good. I can only do level 1. My lower body strength is so much better then my upper body so I have more problems with those movements. My favorite is the warrior 3 pose.
Warrior 3 Yoga Pose. It's amazing how much sweat you create with just holding a difficult pose or even slight movements in the pose.


This is what I'll be working out to tomorrow morning. Yes, you sweat! I'm up to the 2 mile walk which is 30 minutes. If I get up too late, then I'll do the 1 mile walk. You still sweat and it's about 20 minutes. It's more then just walking in place.

Miles 3 and 4 will be purchased soon.

Happy Exercising! It's great for your mind, body and soul!

Something New

 My new workout shoes. I just couldn't take my other ones. They were hurting my feet which was making my whole body hurt.

I just love this tag on the box they came in. Does running make you happy? It kind of does for me.

I've also decided to try out some new ways to help lose weight and get healthy.  This week I started to work out in the mornings before my work day at home. I work from home 2 days a week so I figured this will be two extra workouts a week for me. I have a couple video's I can choose from.

And my diet is changing too. I started this week with "meatless mondays". That's right. No meat on Mondays. What's funny is that, while I was working I turned on the TV to listen the "The Chew" at 1pm on ABC and their show was titled "Meatless Mondays". They did meatless recipes. How ironic! It's not hard if you like beans, eggs, legumes, soy or other sources of protein like oatmeal, rice or quinoa. The experts say that we need to limit our intake of meats that come from 4 legged animals. Oh but how it tastes so good. I actually did pretty well...though I went on a baked chip binge in the afternoon...I blame PMS. Here's what I ate.

 For breakfast I made some old fashioned oatmeal. Then I cut up an apple, cooked it in the microwave for 2-3 minutes added it to the oatmeal and topped with cinnamon (which helps make things sweeter and good for your circulatory system) and some plain Almond milk.

 For lunch it was a pumpkin pie smoothie (Thank you Laura!). I love this and a great way to get pumpkin that isn't in the shape of a pie or bread as pumpkin is very good for you. I use 1/2 banana, 1/3 cup canned pumpkin, 5 ice cubes, couple dashes of pumpkin pie spice, a drop of vanilla extract, about a teaspoon of honey and about 2 cups of plain soy milk. Blend.

For dinner it was a salad made of spinach, red romaine, yellow pepper, black beans and non dairy cheese...it wasn't soy cheese, it's made from tapioca (that's another blog). It's actually better then soy cheese, I think. I have to watch how much dairy I have...it's one of the things that causes me to have headaches which I found out through trial and error. The dressing was some extra virgin olive oil, apple cider vinager, salt and pepper and garlic powder to taste.

I had some snacks  during the day. Hummus and veggies. Baked chips and salsa, and more baked chips,  oh and some more baked chips. I ate most of the bag as they are only filled 1/2 full ( what a rip off by the way). I threw the rest away...so I wouldn't eat anymore. I did have a small piece of chocolate too. Again I blame PMS...hence the salt and chocolate factor because I ate the chips then I got the chocolate. :)

All in all, I'm pretty proud of myself. Can't wait till next Monday.